Pandora's Box

In the fall of 1981 I was in Grade 7 and was forced to learn history from a man named Mr. Watts. Mr. Watts had been an archaeologist and worked on a number of excavation sites in North America. He had an inexplicable fascination with North American Indians (herein referred to as "Aboriginals"), and we spent many months learning about them.

I don't remember much about my history lessons, since at the age of 12 I was more worried about myself and didn't really want to pay much attention to a bunch of people that lived hundreds of years ago. But one thing has stuck in my memory to this day. It was a film we watched about the arrival of British and European settlers (herein referred to as "The Invaders") to North America.

Part of the film concentrated on the introduction of old world diseases to the new world. The Invaders brought germs with them that resulted in a large quantity of Aboriginal deaths. Even now we barely know that much about diseases, and in those days they new even less. The only way the Aboriginals could explain the deaths was to relate it to the story of "Pandora's Box".

The Aboriginals figured that the best way to cure the diseases was to put them back in the box. But first, they must find the box. I watched a dramatic recreation whereby the Aboriginals randomly kidnapped an Invader and tortured him by rolling hot rocks all over his body in the hopes of eliciting a confession from him as to where he hid the box. The Invader never confessed because he had no idea what the heck this box was, let alone where it was kept.

What lessons did I learned from this? First off, I learned that no matter how much of a torture I thought history class was, I could actually be worse off by being kidnapped and having hot rocks rolled all over my body. Since Mr. Watts was an expert in North American Indians, it would be in my best interest to pay attention in class.

Hot rocks and Aboriginal means of torture aside, I also learned that travelling to a place that is completely foreign carries the risk of shared diseases. Someone else realized the risks as well, and hence the Travel Immunization Clinic was created.

So 2 weeks ago I got up early on a Saturday morning and made my own pilgrimmage to the Travel Immunization Clinic. For a fee of $85, a doctor would review a questionnaire that I had completed, assess my immunization records, compare it to current diseases in the destination country, and suggest a course of action that would reduce the risk of me getting sick.

I sat in the waiting room and proceeded to fill out the questionnaire. It was the standard medical questionnaire - date of birth, address, family history, blah blah blah. Then I came to the following question:
"What is your main health concern while travelling?"

To which I responded "Contracting Hepatitis".

So as I looked at my answer, the waspy farm girl in me took over and I thought to myself "OMG, the doctor is going to think I am some sort of drug addict or tramp or something." So I added a disclaimer: "from food."

The doctor called me into his office and reviewed the questionnaire. In exchange for my $85 I received a lecture on the dangers of ice cubes, shell fish, and tepid food.

As a Canadian, I had learned to accept ice and even love it when I have blades strapped to my feet. But this put a whole new perspective on solidified water, and filled me with an excessive quantity of fear. As he made his way to the fridge in his office, fear turned to panick as I imagined him pelting me with ice. But alas, he did not open the freezer so I calmed myself down.

He rummaged around his fridge for a while, then pulled out 2 boxes. Box A contained the Hepatitis A vaccine and box B contained the Hepatitis B vaccine. He wandered around to my left side, lifted up my shirt sleeve, and proceeded to cram a needle containing the Hep A vaccine into my left deltoid. Overall it was a fairly painless and uneventful experience.

Then he wandered around to my right side, and pulled up my right sleeve. Either my right deltoid is significantly tougher than my left, or I tensed. I'm not sure, but it took a lot of effort for him to stick the needle into my shoulder. It took even more effort for him to plunge the vaccine into it and pull the needle out. A significant amount of pain was experienced by me.

In an effort to get my mind off the pain, he proceeded to tell me about traveller's diarrhea, handed me a prescription for some antibiotics, and a leaflet for Dukorol. Flyer and prescription in hand, I wandered out of his office sporting my newfound pain and a bandaid clearly visible on each arm. I booked an appointment for the second Hep B shot for August 11 and went to the mall for a tasty lunch of tepid food.

One of the side effects of the Hep shots is fatigue. I figured I might be a little bit tired, but I was not prepared for sleeping through my alarm on Monday morning. I tried to get out of bed, but try as I might, I could barely move. I called in sick, and slept for 26 out of 30 hours. Even then, I had to force myself out of bed on Tuesday morning to go to work. It took about a week to feel back to my old energetic self.

The next step in my quest for an illness-free trip was to pick up some Dukorol. On Thursday after work I was supposed to meet Paul, but he had to run an errand so I used the opportunity to head to the pharmacy, and plop down another $90 for this vaccine.

As I waited for Paul, I consumed an Ice Cappuccino and then became very concerned about my overabundant consumption of ice and tepid food. I also read all about E. coli, V. cholera, and the tasty carbonnated raspberry-flavoured suspension into which I must pour the aberrated bacteria so that I can prepare my immune system for the trip. I also read that one of the side effects of anti-diarrhea vaccine is diarrhea. So basically I am giving myself the sh*ts now so that I don't get the sh*ts while I am away. Charming.

It wasn't until just after I consumed the Iced Capp that I came to the part of the instructions which stated that I must vaccinate myself on an empty stomach. Plus, given my propensity to suffer side effects of vaccines, I must also take this on a weekend so that I don't have to call in sick again. David was pretty understanding with the Hep shots, but I am sure if I told him I purposely gave myself diarrhea in preparation for the trip, he would not be quite so understanding. Or he would laugh at me. I'm not willing to experience either response.

So today was the day I was to start my treatment for traveller's diarrhea. Except that I left my vaccine in Paul's fridge on Thursday and am too busy writing this blog to go downtown to get it. So later this week I have to look forward to my consumption of the inert-bacteria laiden, raspberry-flavoured carbonnated suspension. Yummy. I can't wait.